My How Life Has Changed Since We Last Talked

I know I have been MIA lately, I guess i just got overwhelmed. You see there isn't just one thing that happened, there is a whole list. One of the most significant was the loss of my thirteen year old Cocker Spaniel. He was my constant companion and closest confidant. Maybe one day I can share more about him, but I'm just not ready, I miss him terribly. Then of course the holidays hit, then there was another significant event, my daughter suffered a loss, her marriage ended. I took a weeks vacation and so on and so on. During my times of feeling overwhelmed I had to let something go, so the blog was the first thing that lost my grip.

I can hardly remember where I left off. I guess I owe an update on my training for the Tybee Island Half Marathon. It won't take long to give it, I simply have not kept my commitment. There, I said it. The race is just 9 days away and my body is not ready. I have been so off and on with training that it can't really be called training. I have become so desperate I have started trying to get my mind trained since my body won't be ready. I have read books over the years on mind control and learned through multiple authors that if you envision yourself doing something you can and will accomplish what you envisioned. So, for the last six weeks I frequently close my eyes several times during the day and visualize myself running like a gazelle for thirteen point one miles. I can see myself thirty pounds thinner and very fashionable dressed, crossing the finish line looking fatigued but not outdone. Fantasy, it is a wonderful thing. I will let you know how this all works out.

I am looking forward to being with my daughters on this race weekend. We had planned to do this as a girl's weekend. One of the three daughters would not be running because she was going to be just two and a half weeks postpartum. Well, the baby is now 9 days over due, so if he is born tonight(which he won't be) she will only be 9 days postpartum on race day. Her chances of being there even as a cheerleader greatly diminish with each passing and unproductive day. I am thinking about having the baby served with an eviction notice. Personally, I think she has done something to deliberately delay this birth to avoid having to witness my grand finish.

My running daughters will be there, I have not shared with them my new training tactics, no sense giving them any more advantage than they already have (like youth and physical fitness). They will run and they will finish in half the time it takes me. I have recruited some friends and one sister in law to join the fun. So far they have not pulled out, but I have gotten questions like, "are you still planning on going even though the baby hasn't arrived?". Of course I am going! I am not having the baby, my daughter is, how could I face anyone with the excuse my daughter just had a baby? How could they face anyone saying, "we didn't go because my friend's daughter just had a baby"? Their butts will be on the road on Saturday February 6, 2010.

No excuses are not to be had, we can do this. If anyone of us had an excuse to quit, it's my daughter Terry. She is going through a difficult time right now. A partnership that ends after seven and half years is an emotional trauma for anyone. Life as known has completely changed, some days it's hard to lift your head and go, some nights it's hard to sleep due to consuming thoughts and dread of the unknown. Although she is at times sad and scared, she has maintained her brightness, hope and goodwill. Where others would become embittered and dysfunctional, she has pushed herself through. She is looking forward to the race, to the good feeling that taking your body to edge provides. She will leave the negative behind. I want to be there with her, she can count on me being there. I'll be right there envisioning myself gliding over the finish line being totally inspired by my daughter.

My Horoscope: Make sure you're not so caught up in the race you forget why you're running.

When I read the Leo horoscope yesterday, I had to do a double take. It said, "Make sure you're not so caught up in the race you forget why you're running," Wow, that is a bit freaky!! Why would my horoscope have anything to do with running? I have never seen it refer to that topic before. It gave me pause for thought, almost like it was a personal message just to me.

I am running for two reasons, one because I want to be fit and prepared for the upcoming half marathon. But the biggest reason is, I have for many years admired my daughter's commitment, discipline and overall good attitude. I attribute all of those things to her running. I have always wanted to have some of what she has, so I decided to go for it.


You say, that's not hard, just start running. It's not so easy, you see I am a couch loving, TV watching, popcorn with butter eating, could be but refuse to be a card carrying member of AARP....for me, it is a huge stretch. I am one of those who goes on a diet in the AM and is completely frustrated by the same PM that I have not lost any weight. I know I have not lost any weight, because I have weighed myself at least four times during the day to check. When I exercise, I immediately start looking for the change it is making in my body. I mean after the first session, I am looking hard into a mirror for some sign of benefit. My body hurts like it should be working, but the abdominal jiggling indicates otherwise.


At my age, change is slow, even when you work at it a lot. One of my other daughters, Terry's twin sister, started back to running a few weeks ago. Tonight she reports a loss of twelve pounds. I had a little salt on my food at lunch today, so tonight I am showing a gain of a pound and a half. This makes me feel so discouraged. Why is it taking me so long to show any improvement? Not only that, why is it taking so long for me to be able to run any distance without feeling like I need a life line button attached to me to summon for immediate help?


I need to go back to the point of it all, I need to pay heed to my horoscope. I am not in it to weigh a certain number, or to be able to run a determined distance. I am in it to get fit, to be more emotionally balanced, to feel better about myself. I am in it to be able to participate in the half marathon, not set a record. I am in it to maintain what I have today, so I can be here tomorrow. The only reason I even think about these things is because I have a daughter who has shown me what I can do if I put forth the effort. If I keep my eye on her and the goal, I will see this through while continuing to be totally....inspired by my daughter.

"Don't Stop Believin"

Today is the start to a new week, a week that puts me that much closer to the day! The day is Saturday, February 6, 2010. The day of the race for which I prepare. I know I am in the early stages of preparation, and that it is normal to have some self doubt, but I am obsessing about it. Have I been too aggressive with myself on this? Will I be able to pull it together by the first week of February? It seems my progress has been in baby steps. If it takes me as long to run two miles as it is taking me to run one, a lifetime won't be long enough to have me ready to run 13.1 miles.

I have been doing a short exercise video and have been riding my bike in conjunction with the walk/running routine. I have done this in effort to strengthen my legs. I want them to work better than they have been. At this stage of the program when I run there is no grace, no form, little coordination and lots of strain(I had to up my Botox injections by a month, all the grimacing just wore it off). I find my legs when fatigued take on movement which is totally disconnected from my head. They become so flimsy and jelly like, it feels almost like they are full of Xylocaine(numbing medication). At these times I never know if each step will land on the bottom of my foot or the side of my ankle. I am sure it mimics a neurological movement disorder.

I have found that listening to music does serve somewhat as a motivator to keep my pace up. You have to play the right tunes though. Something that will take your mind off your chest and that feeling of pending cardiac explosion. I have found the sound track from the new TV show Glee works extraordinarily well. I was hardly moving today when the song "Don't Stop Believin" with the Glee cast came on my iPOD. I turned the volume up to the point my brain was so full of music, there was no room for negative thoughts or feelings of pain. I started mouthing words and soon found myself moving more fluidly and freely. By the end of the song, I was singing as loud as I could, running wide open, pumping my arms up in the air like a moved Christian choir member while doing an occasional spin in the middle of the road.......okay, so that is a bit of an exaggeration, but the music does honestly help. It is nice to know that iTunes and my dermatologist will be profiting from this adventure, as I am guessing I will utilize them both.

I have to admit some progress. I have stopped cursing due to soreness when I bend to get in and out of the car, I have reverted to saying "God please help me". I still hold on to the daily encouragement of my Facebook friends, Blog followers and my family to get me through, and of course by now it goes without saying, I remain......inspired by my daughter.

BALOOP!

I promised myself I would write openly and honestly about my experience training for this run. Today's experience will require me to put all dignity aside.

It seems each time my daughter has run one of her long prepared for races, she claims to have had stomach issues at some point during the race. Being the compassionate nurse that I am, I usually reply with, "you need to toughen up and quit stressing yourself out, there is nothing wrong with your stomach. You just expect to have a problem, then you do!".

Today I went out to do my routine feeling good. It was a beautiful fall day, the skies blue and the air crisp. I began to walk at my normal pace, it was feeling easier for me than previous sessions. I set my watch for ten minutes because I am only suppose to walk during the first 10 minutes. I steadily picked up the pace and actually passed the point where my alarm usually sounds, so I knew my time had improved over last week. Once the chime rang, I set 30 seconds, and began to run, it felt good, again a little easier than previous times. I did the walk/run intervals as prescribed. About a half a mile into it as I was running along Main Street, I felt my stomach rumble and I actually heard a loud "BALOOP". I thought, what in the world was that? Before I could answer myself, I received pay back for every unkind response I had ever given to Terry. The urge hit me....I have to go....I have to go.....I have to go.......I absolutely have to go!.........problem is, where?

What to do, I am a mile from my house, the only facilities are those in private homes. I don't know anyone who lives along this street; so distressed door banging is only an option if I am willing to risk the police being dragged into the situation. With every muscle in my body tightly tensed, I immediately shortened my long running strides to mere shuffling foot motions. I slowed way down and began doing Lamaze breathing techniques while saying to myself, "think about something else, think about something else". This was not working as my thoughts were soon filled with Go Lightly stories that friends had shared from their colonoscopy experiences.

You can make it home I tell myself. Then I do the math, walking like an oriental woman with bound feet, it will take me at least twenty to twenty five minutes. Oh my, it's intense, things are looking grim. I am sure the look of total distress on my face was evident, further convincing passersby that I was in no condition to be running. Is this worth this kind of delimina? What in the world am I doing out here, at my age, in my shape?! I am too old, I am too tired, I am to the point of not being able to control my bodily functions and I have not even run a half a mile! I continue to beat myself down with negativity and self pity. It's easier for others to do this, I am not made of the right stuff.

I turned the corner headed back towards my house and coming at me is a woman who is about fiftish. She is a good bit shorter than myself, she does not have a perfect shape, but is well toned. She is running. Her gait is long, smooth and light. I pass her, face to face doing my oriental shuffle; she smiles, nods and gives me a little wave. She doesn't look at me like, "you are pathetic." but more like she is acknowledging a fellow runner. Like she respected me and where I was in my journey. I wouldn't describe her as athletic looking, she looked like a lot of woman I know, fit and well presevered . She must be very disciplined I thought. She was obviously disciplined enough to push through those first days of becoming a runner. Days when your thighs are filled with lactic acid and as heavy as iron. Days when your stomach tries to revolt and say, " no, I like sitting on the couch better than this!". Days like I am having RIGHT NOW!

I just kept heading home, telling myself, I will get better at this. There is a toned, fit person inside of me. I have covered her over in layers that only I can remove. By now I am on my tip toes running with little short steps, continuing to say, I will make it home, I will make it home. I just kept telling myself this over and over. I am at the end of my street. Somehow being near home, only intensifies things. I drop back to a quick paced walk and say a little prayer that no neighbor will be outside wanting to talk. Here I am on the driveway, I make my way up the front steps, plow through the door, then jump the dog as if he is a hurdle......I made it!

So my dear Terry, I now better understand your stomach issues. I will demonstrate more mercy and understanding going forward. I will also stop selling myself short and will continue to believe I can do this, one step and one day at a time.......inspired by my daughter.

The Heart Walk

Yesterday I was up at 0700. Not necessarily because I wanted to be, but because my husband had signed up for a Heart Walk in downtown Charleston, and included me. We had weekend guests who had come to visit and I didn't want to leave them, but this walk had been committed to months earlier, so it was a have to situation. I jumped up(OK , so I reluctantly rolled out of bed) got some breakfast laid out for our company, and then started to get ready for the walk. I decided that since I had company and probably would not be able to take more time to train on this day, I would kill two birds with one stone and make this walk part of my training. That way I could do the walk quickly and get back home to our guests and the fun.

I looked outside and the skies were gray and it was drizzling, this was not a good sign. It was about this time that my husband informed me that we had "tee shirts" for the walk. Oh course I immediately asked, "what size did you get me?". He replies, "I started to get you a small but then I thought you might like it a little loose so you can move better, so I ended up getting you a medium ". A medium! Did you say MEDIUM!" This means I am going to have to walk in the rain with puff ball hair looking like a stuffed chili pepper (they were green) in a too small tee shirt that will probably only get smaller as it gets wetter. My mood was rapidly going from bad to worse.

I put on the tee shirt and tried to position it around my mid section so it wasn't quite so clingy. I finally said to myself, "you are new in town, no one will know you or care...just suck it up and go. So I literally sucked it up, (my gut that is) and went. The shirt was clinging tightly to my pinnaculum. For those non medical folks, that means the stomach bulge located below the navel that has a tendency to fall forward and down. On some, it can actually hang as low as the mid thigh region. This made me feel very self conscience but this was after all a charity event. Wearing this would be my sacrifice for the charity.

We arrived at the starting line right on time. There were hundreds of other folks already there ready to participate. I spent a few minutes eyeing the crowd, trying to find those who I thought might be my competition. I saw a little bit of everything, some very fit folks looking like serious runners, to those with oxygen tanks in back packs. The race got off to a late start, but off we went. At the start it was a very slow pace as everyone vied for their spot in the road. As I said, this was to be my work out for the day so I had to get into my zone. The problem was there were so many little groups walking together, they had themselves strung out across the whole width of the street. I was trying to weave in and out of the crowd, in hopes of getting to a spot where I could hit my stride. I would find what I thought was a good spot, but then I would shortly catch up to the next group of "strollers", which meant another weaving in and out episode. This went on for a good half a mile. Finally I hit an open area with fast walkers ahead of me. I was walking hard with a quick step. It really was feeling more difficult to do this than in past days. I felt heavy, each step was taking more effort than usual. I finally decided that it was due to the 94% humidity that was registering. It was not raining, but the clouds full of water were looming right over our heads. I almost wished it would just go ahead and rain, maybe that would cool me down, even if it meant further shrinkage of my already too small tee shirt. I kept my pace steady and was able to sustain, but it was hard work.

We looped around the Battery which meant we were at the half way mark. I was starting to question if I was going to be able to finish at this pace, I was definitely tiring. I came up behind a woman walker who had her little orange Pomeranian dog on a leash. The dogs full thick coat of hair was blowing in the breeze, as her tiny little feet tapped the ground in rapid succession. She panted fiercely with her tongue was hanging out . I got to thinking about how many more steps than me that little dog would have to take to finish and how all that hair must make her feel like she is working out while wearing a full length mink coat (don't forget in 94% humidity). I was starting to feel a bit sorry for the canine. I asked the woman at the other end of the leash, "how old is your dog?". She is two, she replied". Well, I thought to myself, "she has youth on her side." The little dog continued to work it down the sidewalk, staring straight ahead with the most determined of looks on her face. It was right then and there I decided, I am not going to let this little flea bag beat me! I have longer legs and not nearly that much hair! What's a few years of age, when I have all my other advantages. So as I passed them I said to the woman holding the leash, "I have a daughter who is a long distance runner; she has a black lab that is seven years old and she runs her eight miles at a time." "Wow, the woman says, that is impressive". The little dog stumbled a bit, I am sure caving into the pressure of her owner's admiration of another dog. Off I went with a little snicker feeling totally good about myself.

On the final leg of the route I noticed several elderly folks with very stiff gaits ahead of me. I am sure they were cheating and had not walked the whole distance. There is no way they could have possibly gotten ahead of me at that pace. I looked around for some event staffers so I could point the frauds out to them and make sure that these obvious fakes were not given full credit for walking the entire event. Fortunately, I could find no one. I say fortunately because I was starting to realize; this isn't a race, this is a benefit walk. No one was or had been keeping score except for me. Most everyone out there was there to raise money for heart research while happening to take a leisurely walk with thier family, friends, coworkers and dogs. There was no need to compete with short legged animals, or geriatrically challenged people. There had really been no reason to have become so unnerved earlier about the too small tee shirt. Isn't it nice to think my husband still thinks I'm a medium? I need to be more relaxed, less ready to jump at everything that might not be just as I have anticipated or planned it to be. Hmmmmm..maybe walking and running makes you nicer? That could very well be why my daughter is so nice. She gets all her pinned up anxieties out through her running. She gets to put things in perspective, she's figured out what is really important. There really might be something to this. I came away from this event with a desire to continue working on getting stronger physically while trying to be more emotionally balanced. I will keep my eye focused on the goal as I continue to be....... inspired by my daughter.

It's Been a Good Week, So Far

Well, it's Thursday and I just returned from a 3 mile walk/run, mostly walk, but the walk was fast paced. I sit here with sweat running down my back, that is a great feeling, it makes you feel like you really worked, that maybe some good will come out of this effort.

I rented the house where my girl's and I will stay for the half marathon. Now money is involved, that commits me even more. I keep telling myself I can do this, but when I am out there trying to get ready for this event, my body feels heavy and unyielding. My calves get very tight when I try to walk or run, even after warming up. Tightness doesn't quite describe it, it feels more like someone is trying to shove a tennis ball into my calf muscles as I walk. I just try to talk myself through it. I have to admit though, I have looked for ways out. A bicyclist rode by me the other day, I looked at how the wind just seemed to be moving her along without her exerting any effort. I honestly had this thought; if she is willing, I think I could get up on those handle bars then she can just effortlessly ride me home. Just envision it, a fifty four year old, overweight woman, sweating, scarlet faced wearing stretch capris trying to hoist herself up onto those hanlde bars after asking a complete stranger for a tow on her bike. For even a better sight, envison the look on the cyclist's face as this is happening. It's a sad state of affairs.

After my work out today, I am one day closer to being able to do this without those feelings and thoughts. I am on the road to fitness, it's going to be a long road. It is a definite journey. I think I'll call Terry so she can encourage me, after all this all started because......I am inspired by my daughter!

The Procrastinator Is Still In Me

I have been walking sporadically since my last entry. I was out of town for twelve days and I would like to use that as an excuse. The problem with this is, the area I was visiting, they too had roads and sidewalks. I have to admit laziness just overtook me. Lethargy invaded every cell of my being....no amount of willing myself to put on my walking/running shoes worked.

I look in the mirror today and I see this bloated face that is attached to a neck with sagging lines running across it. None of this was present eighteen months ago. I was actually in pretty decent shape then, although even at that time I was on the declining side of fitness. I spent four good years getting and staying in shape, then I let up, I caved in, I back slid.

For some reason in my late forties I started walking. I just got out there and walked one day. The next day I did it again. The day after that again and again, until walking was something that I did everyday. I worked my way up to walking four miles without feeling the least bit fatigued. There were days I felt I could walk forever. I would walk with a CD player in my hand, playing a variety of songs from Christian to country, from beach music to music of the 70's and 80's, each song took me to another place. After my walks I felt so good, full of energy and life. That was a new feeling for me, because at the time I was trying to make major career decisions. I was working a job that was overtaking my life and not in a good sense. It was a job I had at one time jumped out of the bed and run to but now had retreated to bed to avoid. I lived for Fridays and started dreading Monday mornings on Saturday. During my walks I did a lot of soul searching and head clearing. I made my decision to resign from that job on one of those walks. Following that decision I used the walks to help ease me through the emotional transition of leaving the job. You see, that job had been put before my kids, my husband, my spiritual growth, time with my dying father, and my own health and well being. It was like an addiction and walking was my diversion to come off my addiction. The perk was I lost about thirty pounds and looked and felt about ten years younger.

I did this routine along with a fitness video for about four years, then I developed a female problem. One that worsened every time I exercised. I gradually cut back on the exercise, then after months of procrastination I had "the surgery", which took me completely out of my exercise routine for weeks. When I was healed enough to start back, I did it with a hit or miss approach, kind of like I am doing this preparation for the half a marathon. My weight has climbed back up, my stomach is soft again, my shoulders more slumped. All of this in addition to the face and neck situation previously mentioned.

I wish I could be one of those highly disciplined people who just does exercise because that is what you are suppose to do. I wish the self torture came naturally to me, but it doesn't. I work best with a time line and I do most of what is required near the end of the time line, as pressure helps me focus. So todayI am two weeks closer to the race, and not in any better shape than the day I started training. The pressure is growing, so maybe that will get me out there consistently this week. I have talked to my daughter, the runner, she just did a race this past weekend. She finished but was not happy with her time, her stomach started to hurt during the race, so she had to back down. But she is ready to go again, she was positive and looking ahead. That's what I have to do, I have to not worry about how much I ground I lost over the last couple of years. I have to look forward to what I can be, I need to do it today and tomorrow and believe that I can make my goal, just as Terry does. I can do this, I will do this, I invite those of you who want to come with me to get on board. You see, you too can be...inspired by my daughter!